When Julie met Julian

It’s official, I’m hooked on Celebrity Big Brother. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I guess the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem.

But what a lovely problem it is to have! Tuning into the show each night has become my new guilty pleasure. CBB is, once again, proving to be extremely entertaining, and some of the housemates are great fun to watch – in particular Julian Clary.

On last night’s show, Julian, who sat with feline grace on the Diary Room chair, sarcastically lamented the fact that he isn’t considered a ‘bruv’ among the younger male housemates.

Julian Clary Celebrity Big Brother

Julian Clary aka The Kindly Professor

“I had hoped to be another bruv,”Julian quipped. “But of course I’m that much older, so I don’t come into the bruv category”. He then dryly added that “The Situation”, who he has now started referring to as “The Occasional Table”, takes “a while to formulate a sentence’.

Speaking about the Jersey Shore star, Julian mused: “The Occasional Table is my name – in my head – for The Situation… I think it’s more appropriate… he’s so dense, he doesn’t understand jokes. He’s a funny man isn’t he?”

Catty? Maybe. Hilarious? Absolutely. What a refreshing change it makes to have somebody as humorous and shrewd as Julian in the house – he definitely ain’t the typical calibre of CBB housemate, that’s for sure.

Julian Clary and Julie Goodyear

Unexpected friendship: Julian Clary and Julie Goodyear

Equally rewarding to watch is Julian’s blossoming friendship with Julie, otherwise known as his newfound fag-hag. The ex-Corry star may be seventy years old, but she’s certainly still feisty (and has a mouth like a sailor).

After the series ends I think it’s only right that these two have their own chat show, where both simultaneously chain-smoke, make filthy jokes, and put the world to right. While sitting in a swan boat. The Julie and Julian Show. Has a certain ring to it, no?

Julie Goodyear and Julian Clary

Julie and Julian aboard The White Swan

More on Julie…

Having said all that, I’m not quite sure where Julie’s coming from, in particular in the context of her odd (and seemingly false) relationship with Jasmine.

Julie was happy enough to tell Jasmine that she ‘loves’ her, ‘adores’ her, and even offered to ‘adopt her’  for the duration of their time in the house.

But once Jasmine disappeared out of sight, Julie freely branded the volatile glamour model a ‘looney’. Methinks there’s a lot more to Julie than meets the eye, and that we can expect much more drama from this old gal yet…

Julie Goodyear Celebrity Big Brother

Any BETS on Julie to win? (image: radiotimes.com)


Celebrity Big Brother is back… again.

Celebrity Big Brother has returned to our screens, and the house – a gaudy residence for celebrity washouts – is occupied once again.

This series is no different to any other in terms of its clientele. The cesspit – sorry, the house – boasts a wealth of Page 3 girls, ex- soap stars, and various other non-entities that nobody really recognizes.

There were a few surprises in the line-up this year though, such as Julian Clary (surely he wouldn’t stoop so low?) and Ashley McKenzie (he’s an Olympian, which means he has talent – an unusual quality for any Big Brother contestant).

samantha brick Celebrity big brother 2012

Samantha Brick: too beautiful for telly? (image: Channel 5)

As for Samantha Brick, I wasn’t surprised to see her enter the house – but I was intrigued. I eagerly tuned into the show to see how she’d interact with other people, and to find out whether she’d try to redeem herself for her ridiculous articles or, alternatively, get into brutal cat fights with her model housemates.

Sadly, so far she’s just been a bit of a bore. In fact, every housemate has displayed the usual tedious behaviour of their predecessors. As is the norm with each series, contestants either gather like crows in the smoking area, bitch behind each others’ backs, flirt outrageously, make false friendships, or work out in the garden. Yawn.

Don’t you know who I am? Err, nope.

The Page 3 brigade are up to their usual tricks too, and are parading around the place with their myriad plastic parts. The site of fake boobs, hair extensions and collagen lips feels like a crass attack on my eyes, to the point where every time I watch the programme I actually feel nauseous.

Having said all that, I must keep watching, if only to moan about it right here on Tellyscope. After all, the last series with Denise turned out to be dynamite telly, and I can’t miss a repeat of that, can I? Who knows, Big Hev might get it on with Martin Kemp, and Samantha Brick may have an epiphany and realise she’s an idiot.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012

Well, well, well – who could have predicted that the bajillionth series of Celebrity Big Brother would turn out to be such absolute TV gold?

One minute Denise Welch is making a cup of tea and the next she’s jumping into the hot tub topless! Well, we always knew she was a Loose Woman… (har har) But seriously folks, it looks like anything could happen on this year’s CBB. And I must admit, I’m enjoying every single minute of it.

Denise Welch hot tub Celebrity Big Brother 2012

Frankie Cocozza is a big fan of Loose Women (image: mirror.co.uk)

Denise’s arguments with Michael Madsen have been a particular point of interest to housemates and viewers alike. Both parties clearly exasperate one another, and as a result their relationship is fascinating to watch. In fact, it’s gotten us all wondering just what the hell is going on with those two. Is it sexual tension? Is it cabin fever? Do they really hate each other? Or are they destined to become BFFs? Why do we even care?? Who knows, but WE LOVE IT!

And just when we thought we were starting to get to grips with the dynamics of that relationship, it’s now been reported that Denise has also had a spat with Nicola McLean. Oh crikey, we can’t keep up.

So, what went on there? Well, according to reports today, Nicola has criticized Denise Welch for her hot tub antics with Frankie Cocozza. The former glamour model is reported to have said to Denise: “I was a page three girl for a lot of years, and you flash your boobs openly on telly and you’re cool with that? I’m not!” That’s right, the page 3 model is criticizing someone else for showing their boobs to the public. The words “pot kettle black” spring to mind.

Denise Welch Nicola McLean argument Celebrity Big Brother 2012

The claws are out: Denise Welch and Nicola McLean argue (Image: mtv.co.uk)

But Denise and Nicola aren’t the only pair causing a stir in the house; identical twins Karissa and Kristina also seem to be rubbing people up the wrong way. The ex-playmates can often be found whispering in various corners of the house, plotting against their fellow housemates and discussing the best ways to ensure their own combined victory.

The blonde bombshells, who have their eyes fixed firmly on the Big Brother prize, are cold, competitive, and calculating. What’s not to love? Apart from their complete lack of emotional empathy, of course…

But you have to admit that the duo are turning out to be great bad guys. They remind me of the Siamese cats from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp. You know, the sneaky felines who parade around in unison singing their own praises (see below).

Kristina and Karissa Shannon Celebrity Big Brother 2012

We are Siamese if you please (image: tiskin.com)

Siamese cats Disney Lady and the Tramp

"Karissa, we can totally win this competition, right?" (Image: Disney)

Anyway, to summarize, this year the CBB house has a truly combustible mix of characters. From gentle giant Alfie to libidinous teen Frankie, a colourful spectrum of personalities has exploded all over our TV screens. And boy have they been coming out with some cracking quotes! Here are a few examples:

1. “It’s so difficult to conversate with Georgia– Romeo

Conversate? Really? And you call yourself a lyricist, Romeo…

2. “What is this, an ocean or a sea? A sea is like what’s really, really deep or whatever, and an ocean is just like, regular. Right?” – Karissa. Or Kristina. Who knows.

3. [In response to the above] “No, it’s the other way around.” – Frankie

Endearing, or just plain thick? Probably both.

4. “My dignity’s not for sale Big Brother– Michael Madsen.

Err, I hate to break it to you Michael, but I think you forfited the right to say that sentence when you agreed to do a reality TV show for money.

Do I sound annoyed at Michael? Well I am. And I’ll tell you why I’m annoyed at him: because he’s ruined Mr Blonde for me. Now I’ll never be able to watch Reservoir Dogs again without also thinking about Celebrity Big Brother.

More specifically, I’ll never be able to watch the uber-disturbing but really cool revenge scene in Reservoir Dogs without imagining the theme tune to Loose Women. Call me crazy, but I think the bad guy loses his edge if you can picture him bickering with Denise Welch.

Anyway, that aside, cool cowboy / hot-headed Michael Madsen is certainly entertaining to watch on Big Brother, mainly because the acclaimed actor and award-winning poet has a penchant for winding up the other housemates (clearly because he ‘understands it’s all a game’ etc.)

But even if Madsen wasn’t in the house, I suspect emotions would still be running high. And one reason which might explain why tempers have been particularly volatile on CBB this year is the fact that housemates can now freely discuss nominations with one another.

This new rule, which I predict may soon turn CBB into some sort of televized Lord of the Flies, is an absolute genius decision on the producers’ part, and I for one cannot wait to see what happens next…

(Image: Metro.co.uk)