Denise Welch Vs The Glamour Girls

“Girls just wanna have fu-hun…. oh girls just wanna haaave fuuuun.”

Or rather, girls just wanna get drunk, scream at eachother and cry hysterically. Yes, it all kicked off on Celebrity Big Brother last night after the ladies danced to Cyndi Lauper and guzzled too much wine – the usual recipe for a bad night in.

Denise Welch Nicola McLean fight

Denise and Nicola let rip (image:

I urge you to read Digital Spy’s hilarious chronology of events to help digest exactly what went on, but in the meantime here are my personal top five highlights of the eve…

Highlight #1 – The twins threaten to sue Big Brother

Karissa: “You’re not going to show my ass on national television.”

Kristina: “OK, will you guys not show her ass on the TV…”

Karissa: “You can show the story Big Brother.”

Kristina: “She just doesn’t want her ass cheek showing!”

Did you get that Big Brother? The twins don’t want you to show Karissa’s bottom to the nation. Bit of a bummer about this photo then (courtesy of the Mail Online). In fact, there seem to be quite few photos of Karissa’s derrier from her Playmate days. Funny that.

Karissa Shannon Denise Welch fight Celebrity Big Brother 2012

Karissa did not enjoy being the butt of Denise's joke (image:

Highlight #2 – Gareth takes control of the situation

[Insert strong South Walian accent] “Do not come to assumptions when you did not see what ‘appened!” bellowed Gareth at the twins as if he were refereeing a rugby match. Meanwhile a tearful Nicola went screeching into the diary room.

Despite Gareth’s valiant attempt to diffuse the drama, sneaky snake Michael soon piped up. “Go and ask Nicola who made her cry,” the silver tongued serpent said to the twins, no doubt secretly hoping for more chaos to unfold.

Highlight #3 – Frankie becomes likeable

In a flash (excuse the pun) Frankie transformed from leery lad to rational good guy and supporter of underdog Denise. Frankie, there’s now a very good chance that you might just win the competition – after all, we viewers are very fickle.

Frankie Cocozza Big Brother 2012 fight

Frankie matures into a wise owl overnight (image:

Highlight #4 – Nicola and the twins form a disturbing alliance in the diary room

Nicola: “I wanna go, but if we stay *clicks fingers in a badass manner* I’m not talking to any one of them, and you watch me, because you know what? You girls have seen a really nice side to me, watch me change.”

Stop it, girlfriend, I’m quivering in my boots.

Highlight #5 – Nicola instigates a new wave of feminism

After Nicola did her Dr Evil “You ain’t all that and a bag of potato chips” routine, she went on to state: “You don’t pull someone’s pants down okay, you do not.”

She then addressed the twins by saying: “If you’re not cool with that, I’ve got your back. Just because you were playmates and I was a page 3 girl, we’re not whores.”

“I’m a secret feminist, I really am, and I might have got my boobs out for a living but that’s my choice.”

Point well made Nicola. I’m now looking forward to hearing your secret thoughts on women’s rights and the commercialisation of sexuality and women’s bodies…

Nicola McLean secret feminist

Virgina Woolf, Germaine Greer... and Nicola McLean


Bye bye, Benedict.

How disappointing that Sherlock has come to an end!

What will I do with my Sunday evenings now that Benedict and his chiselled cheekbones have deserted my poor TV screen? What will any of us do now that the clever plots and pithy scripts have disappeared from our lives?!

Suffice to say the BBC’s second series of Sherlock Holmes has brought a lot of joy to Britain during these dark January days, and it is with great sadness that we must now bid farewell to what has been a rather wonderful post-Christmas remedy.

Sherlock Holmes BBC Benedict Cumberbatch

Brainy is the new sexy: Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes (image:

Each episode had something unique to offer: the first had a brilliant femme fatale, the second dabbled with sci-fi (though admittedly Dr. Frankland’s hallucinogenic gas was a slight rip off of Dr. Crane’s toxic hallucinogen in Batman Begins) and the third episode gave plenty of airtime to super-charismatic villain James Moriarty, the best baddie the BBC has had in aaaages.

Plus each programme featured Benedict’s dulcet, Alan Rickman-esque tones… sorry I digress. In short, the BBC’s second series of Sherlock was great and I cannot wait until series 3. In the meantime has anyone figured out how Sherlock survived? All theories welcome…

James Moriarty Sherlock Holmes

Delectable villain James Moriarty, played by Andrew Scott (image: BBC)

PS. If you thought the glow in the dark rabbit from episode 2 was cool, you should check out Horizon: Playing God on iPlayer, because it features fluroscent jellyfish genes and spidergoats. What’s a spidergoat you say? Oh it’s just a goat with spider genes that produces silk in its milk. Yep, SPIDERMAN COULD HAPPEN.

Here’s a youtube clip in case you missed out on the silky milk / milky silk:

(How this video has so few hits in comparison to anything made by Justin Bieber is something I will never comprehend).

Celebrity Big Brother 2012

Well, well, well – who could have predicted that the bajillionth series of Celebrity Big Brother would turn out to be such absolute TV gold?

One minute Denise Welch is making a cup of tea and the next she’s jumping into the hot tub topless! Well, we always knew she was a Loose Woman… (har har) But seriously folks, it looks like anything could happen on this year’s CBB. And I must admit, I’m enjoying every single minute of it.

Denise Welch hot tub Celebrity Big Brother 2012

Frankie Cocozza is a big fan of Loose Women (image:

Denise’s arguments with Michael Madsen have been a particular point of interest to housemates and viewers alike. Both parties clearly exasperate one another, and as a result their relationship is fascinating to watch. In fact, it’s gotten us all wondering just what the hell is going on with those two. Is it sexual tension? Is it cabin fever? Do they really hate each other? Or are they destined to become BFFs? Why do we even care?? Who knows, but WE LOVE IT!

And just when we thought we were starting to get to grips with the dynamics of that relationship, it’s now been reported that Denise has also had a spat with Nicola McLean. Oh crikey, we can’t keep up.

So, what went on there? Well, according to reports today, Nicola has criticized Denise Welch for her hot tub antics with Frankie Cocozza. The former glamour model is reported to have said to Denise: “I was a page three girl for a lot of years, and you flash your boobs openly on telly and you’re cool with that? I’m not!” That’s right, the page 3 model is criticizing someone else for showing their boobs to the public. The words “pot kettle black” spring to mind.

Denise Welch Nicola McLean argument Celebrity Big Brother 2012

The claws are out: Denise Welch and Nicola McLean argue (Image:

But Denise and Nicola aren’t the only pair causing a stir in the house; identical twins Karissa and Kristina also seem to be rubbing people up the wrong way. The ex-playmates can often be found whispering in various corners of the house, plotting against their fellow housemates and discussing the best ways to ensure their own combined victory.

The blonde bombshells, who have their eyes fixed firmly on the Big Brother prize, are cold, competitive, and calculating. What’s not to love? Apart from their complete lack of emotional empathy, of course…

But you have to admit that the duo are turning out to be great bad guys. They remind me of the Siamese cats from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp. You know, the sneaky felines who parade around in unison singing their own praises (see below).

Kristina and Karissa Shannon Celebrity Big Brother 2012

We are Siamese if you please (image:

Siamese cats Disney Lady and the Tramp

"Karissa, we can totally win this competition, right?" (Image: Disney)

Anyway, to summarize, this year the CBB house has a truly combustible mix of characters. From gentle giant Alfie to libidinous teen Frankie, a colourful spectrum of personalities has exploded all over our TV screens. And boy have they been coming out with some cracking quotes! Here are a few examples:

1. “It’s so difficult to conversate with Georgia– Romeo

Conversate? Really? And you call yourself a lyricist, Romeo…

2. “What is this, an ocean or a sea? A sea is like what’s really, really deep or whatever, and an ocean is just like, regular. Right?” – Karissa. Or Kristina. Who knows.

3. [In response to the above] “No, it’s the other way around.” – Frankie

Endearing, or just plain thick? Probably both.

4. “My dignity’s not for sale Big Brother– Michael Madsen.

Err, I hate to break it to you Michael, but I think you forfited the right to say that sentence when you agreed to do a reality TV show for money.

Do I sound annoyed at Michael? Well I am. And I’ll tell you why I’m annoyed at him: because he’s ruined Mr Blonde for me. Now I’ll never be able to watch Reservoir Dogs again without also thinking about Celebrity Big Brother.

More specifically, I’ll never be able to watch the uber-disturbing but really cool revenge scene in Reservoir Dogs without imagining the theme tune to Loose Women. Call me crazy, but I think the bad guy loses his edge if you can picture him bickering with Denise Welch.

Anyway, that aside, cool cowboy / hot-headed Michael Madsen is certainly entertaining to watch on Big Brother, mainly because the acclaimed actor and award-winning poet has a penchant for winding up the other housemates (clearly because he ‘understands it’s all a game’ etc.)

But even if Madsen wasn’t in the house, I suspect emotions would still be running high. And one reason which might explain why tempers have been particularly volatile on CBB this year is the fact that housemates can now freely discuss nominations with one another.

This new rule, which I predict may soon turn CBB into some sort of televized Lord of the Flies, is an absolute genius decision on the producers’ part, and I for one cannot wait to see what happens next…